I am in the middle of going through what you could call an “awakening.” I have in recent weeks gone through more darkness and pain than I can explain in words. I cannot even really explain the triggers or the reasoning behind it. The truth is it just happened. It happened just like when we wake up in the morning. It takes no effort from us—we just wake up. And I believe that is what has happened to me. Spiritually a new part of me has awoken.
I realized I have been lying to my own self in many ways. I have confused faith with clinging to certain ideas and in an attempt to “fit in” I tried to force certain doctrine and belief systems upon myself—but God is not a system. In realization of this I started doubting everything I ever held as truth, which does not sound like a good place to be, but it is the most honest that I have perhaps ever been with myself in my entire life.
The quest for truth must first start with a foundation of being brutally honest with oneself. But honesty with self can be very hard to reach. It involves a combination of humility and bravery found through great pain in embracing the reality of uncertainty and giving up our need to have all the answers. I fear that many never even make it to that point.
But I have found treasure in the darkness of pain. I have found that no matter how much pain I go through, no matter how confused I get and no matter how angry I get, I am still alive! I still want to be alive, and I still want to believe. And that’s what’s important. It doesn’t matter if I intellectually understand my existence because that does not change the fact that I exist. There is a deep inner part to all of us, separate from our mind and consciousness which is in fact connected to the Truth. Being aware of this is all the truth I need to press on.
I am no longer afraid to be different. I am no longer going to hide that I have different views than what modern pop-religion spews from the pulpits as doctrine. Men have idolized their creeds in the need of a false sense of security in pretending they have all the answers. But they have only fooled themselves. They have packaged religion into a nice neat box, but the fact is life is messy, and so is the search for truth. We always talk of “finding ourselves” but so often on the journey all we do is try to force ourselves to be something that we are not. I refuse to any longer be afraid of who I am.
“I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel.” -Isaiah 45:3