Last night I got to thinking that one of my biggest problems with getting sober is denial. I deny that I have a true addiction. I justify my drinking by pointing out others I know that are worse. I deny that drinking is a sin.. “Jesus drank wine.”
My greatest threat to relapse is lying to myself saying, “I can just have a couple drinks.” The truth is that I’m an alcoholic and I cannot just have a couple drinks. The truth is that I have setup alcohol as an idol. I push God aside and get drunk. Drinking drives me away from Him in my relationship because in my heart I feel guilt.
I know that God loves me beyond any mistake I could ever make, but when I drink I push Him away. Much like Adam in the garden I hide. I ignore Him and put alcohol first.
I’ve asked God to give me a heart of repentance. This morning in meditation I read Lamentations.
The Lord is righteous for I rebelled against His commandment. Hear now all peoples and behold my sorrow… -Lamentations 1:18
See O Lord, that I am in distress, my soul is troubled, my heart is overturned within me, for I have been very rebellious. Outside the sword bereaves, at home it is like death. -Lamentations 1:20
I am distressed, my soul is troubled, I have been rebellious, I am filled with sorrow, and at home – where I would do the majority of my drinking – it has been like death.
At an AA meeting last week someone who had been sober for over four years said that he feels like he’s finally living. That’s what I want. I want to live life the way God intended it to be for me. I do not want to be drunk with wine but filled with the Holy Spirit.
**This is a journal entry previously written during my stay in an alcohol abuse treatment center. I’ll be posting many more in the coming days. All entries will be linked here.**